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| No means no. No NEVER means maybe. No NEVER means yes. |
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Why Rape Jokes Aren't Funny
A few moments ago, I was scrolling through one of my social network sites, and I saw a rape "joke." Now, I put the word joke in quotation marks because, to me, rape is not a joke. There is nothing humorous about the topic, in any way, shape, or form. No exceptions.
In the past, I have heard my peers joke about rape, sexual assault, etc. However, I was always one to bite my tongue, because I didn't want to be the, "overly sensitive person who ruins everything" (something I deeply regret now). But, after experiencing rape first-hand, I have come to realize that I am not being overly sensitive by finding these "jokes" appalling. And, for those of you who think I am being overly dramatic right now while writing this rant, well....guess what? I could care less. Because, I AM A SURVIVOR OF RAPE, AND I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO TELL YOU YOUR JOKE ISN'T A JOKE TO ME, OR ANYONE ELSE. IT'S NOT FUNNY-----EVER.
But, here's something I have been pondering...WHY ARE RAPE JOKES FUNNY? I’m asking this rhetorically, because I’ve never heard one that was...So, let me rephrase: why are rape jokes supposedly funny?
What we grow up knowing about rape – if we haven’t personally experienced it – fits into a series of misconceptions and stereotypes that are ridiculous. We are not meant to take rape seriously; it is meant to be a joke, a misunderstanding, something that "happens to somebody else, out there, who possibly deserves it or even liked it". The rapist is a "frat boy", or a "crazy man in the bushes". The rape victim is "drunk and stupid and has totally had sex before". Afterwards, she is "hysterical and crying and worthless", if she isn’t a "man-hating feminist". Or, you know, maybe she gets a Lifetime show, which is an eye-rolling adventure in musical swells. Or, maybe she’s killed, so we can all focus on her muscular boyfriend who now has a reason to seek revenge.
There is very little accessible culture that depicts rapists or rape victims as multi-faceted, complex human beings — and they all are. Furthermore, rape is not depicted as an event that has complex meanings and consequences for men or women. Rather, it’s depicted as sex to advance the plot, define a character, etc.
When rape is not depicted as a serious act, something that affects real people, something that women live with for the rest of their lives, of course, it’s not considered a serious topic. So, when we throw out rape as a topic, unless the audience has personal experience with rape, we are all thinking of some scene from a movie. Of course it generates nervous giggles, and is allowable conversation...Humor that is degrading or offensive to oppressed populations has always operated as a pressure release valve for the things we know we are not “supposed” to say or think anymore. You might not be able to say you really don’t think 1 in 4 women are actually being raped, and if they are, they probably "deserved it, and there are some circumstances where rape is okay" – but you can sure as heck make a joke about it! And if somebody objects, well, here’s the built-in beauty of an oppressive system: that somebody is probably going to be a member of the oppressed class you are mocking. And it’s very easy to dismiss the opinions of oppressed populations. If we valued the thoughts, feelings, and desires of oppressed populations, we wouldn’t be able to rationalize and minimize the rape, torture, and murder of them.
Like I mentioned before...I do not care if you, the reader, the whoever you are, thinks I am being overly dramatic...I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO TELL YOU, OR ANYONE ELSE, THAT JOKES ABOUT RAPE ARE NOT FUNNY.
For those of you who wonder why rape victims get all "super sensitive" about rape jokes, well, this is why:
Before you’re raped, rape jokes might be uncomfortable, or they might be funny, or they might be any given thing. But after you’re raped, they are a trigger. They make you remember what was done to you. And if the joke was about something that wasn’t done to you, not in quite that way, you can really easily imagine how it would feel, because you know how something exactly like that felt. Rape jokes stop being about a thing that "happens out there, somewhere, to people who don’t really exist, and if they do they probably deserved it", and they start being about you. Rape jokes are about you. And, they can cause someone who was once on the path of healing, to completely backtrack in their progress...
Until you’ve been raped, you don’t really wake up and see how much rape is out there for the casual consumer. You don't realize how offensive your "jokes" really are. And, you don’t realize how many of the people you know and love do not take rape seriously, because they have been sucking up all the same TV shows and movies you do, and they don’t think they know a real person who has been raped.
Of course, you might tell some of them, and they can accept that. They can accept the secondary trauma, begin to start thinking of you whenever they see a rape in a movie, hear of one on the news, or hear a rape joke. Or, they can disqualify it...unfortunately, like many people do.
But, here is my challenge for those who want to tell rape jokes:
Ask every woman in your life if she has been sexually assaulted. Ask her to tell you her story. This means your mother, your sister, your girlfriend, your friend, your grandma, your aunt, your niece, etc.
Once you have heard all of their stories, go watch an old movie, show, etc. that refers to rape in some way...One you didn’t mind before. Or, go back and read the rape joke you posted that ended up on MY NEWSFEED. You know, the one you thought people were overly offended by...
Now, tell me a joke.
(I highly doubt that you will be able to. And, if you are...shame on you).
*RANT OVER*
In the past, I have heard my peers joke about rape, sexual assault, etc. However, I was always one to bite my tongue, because I didn't want to be the, "overly sensitive person who ruins everything" (something I deeply regret now). But, after experiencing rape first-hand, I have come to realize that I am not being overly sensitive by finding these "jokes" appalling. And, for those of you who think I am being overly dramatic right now while writing this rant, well....guess what? I could care less. Because, I AM A SURVIVOR OF RAPE, AND I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO TELL YOU YOUR JOKE ISN'T A JOKE TO ME, OR ANYONE ELSE. IT'S NOT FUNNY-----EVER.
But, here's something I have been pondering...WHY ARE RAPE JOKES FUNNY? I’m asking this rhetorically, because I’ve never heard one that was...So, let me rephrase: why are rape jokes supposedly funny?
What we grow up knowing about rape – if we haven’t personally experienced it – fits into a series of misconceptions and stereotypes that are ridiculous. We are not meant to take rape seriously; it is meant to be a joke, a misunderstanding, something that "happens to somebody else, out there, who possibly deserves it or even liked it". The rapist is a "frat boy", or a "crazy man in the bushes". The rape victim is "drunk and stupid and has totally had sex before". Afterwards, she is "hysterical and crying and worthless", if she isn’t a "man-hating feminist". Or, you know, maybe she gets a Lifetime show, which is an eye-rolling adventure in musical swells. Or, maybe she’s killed, so we can all focus on her muscular boyfriend who now has a reason to seek revenge.
There is very little accessible culture that depicts rapists or rape victims as multi-faceted, complex human beings — and they all are. Furthermore, rape is not depicted as an event that has complex meanings and consequences for men or women. Rather, it’s depicted as sex to advance the plot, define a character, etc.
When rape is not depicted as a serious act, something that affects real people, something that women live with for the rest of their lives, of course, it’s not considered a serious topic. So, when we throw out rape as a topic, unless the audience has personal experience with rape, we are all thinking of some scene from a movie. Of course it generates nervous giggles, and is allowable conversation...Humor that is degrading or offensive to oppressed populations has always operated as a pressure release valve for the things we know we are not “supposed” to say or think anymore. You might not be able to say you really don’t think 1 in 4 women are actually being raped, and if they are, they probably "deserved it, and there are some circumstances where rape is okay" – but you can sure as heck make a joke about it! And if somebody objects, well, here’s the built-in beauty of an oppressive system: that somebody is probably going to be a member of the oppressed class you are mocking. And it’s very easy to dismiss the opinions of oppressed populations. If we valued the thoughts, feelings, and desires of oppressed populations, we wouldn’t be able to rationalize and minimize the rape, torture, and murder of them.
Like I mentioned before...I do not care if you, the reader, the whoever you are, thinks I am being overly dramatic...I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO TELL YOU, OR ANYONE ELSE, THAT JOKES ABOUT RAPE ARE NOT FUNNY.
For those of you who wonder why rape victims get all "super sensitive" about rape jokes, well, this is why:
Before you’re raped, rape jokes might be uncomfortable, or they might be funny, or they might be any given thing. But after you’re raped, they are a trigger. They make you remember what was done to you. And if the joke was about something that wasn’t done to you, not in quite that way, you can really easily imagine how it would feel, because you know how something exactly like that felt. Rape jokes stop being about a thing that "happens out there, somewhere, to people who don’t really exist, and if they do they probably deserved it", and they start being about you. Rape jokes are about you. And, they can cause someone who was once on the path of healing, to completely backtrack in their progress...
Until you’ve been raped, you don’t really wake up and see how much rape is out there for the casual consumer. You don't realize how offensive your "jokes" really are. And, you don’t realize how many of the people you know and love do not take rape seriously, because they have been sucking up all the same TV shows and movies you do, and they don’t think they know a real person who has been raped.
Of course, you might tell some of them, and they can accept that. They can accept the secondary trauma, begin to start thinking of you whenever they see a rape in a movie, hear of one on the news, or hear a rape joke. Or, they can disqualify it...unfortunately, like many people do.
But, here is my challenge for those who want to tell rape jokes:
Ask every woman in your life if she has been sexually assaulted. Ask her to tell you her story. This means your mother, your sister, your girlfriend, your friend, your grandma, your aunt, your niece, etc.
Once you have heard all of their stories, go watch an old movie, show, etc. that refers to rape in some way...One you didn’t mind before. Or, go back and read the rape joke you posted that ended up on MY NEWSFEED. You know, the one you thought people were overly offended by...
Now, tell me a joke.
(I highly doubt that you will be able to. And, if you are...shame on you).
*RANT OVER*
Friday, July 19, 2013
Your story matters!
So many times, in sharing my story with other survivors, I have heard these words...
"Wow, I almost feel bad for mentioning my story...I was only molested. It's not nearly as bad as being raped."
Or, often times when sharing my story with someone who has not experienced sexual violence, I have heard...
"Your story isn't nearly as bad as some I've heard of...at least you weren't _________."
During my healing process, I, too, felt this way. I thought that my story was invalid, or shouldn't be shared, because hey..."it could've been worse." But, fortunately for me, I acquired a new realization during my healing process some years ago, and I am going to share it here:
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "NOT AS SERIOUS" WHEN IT COMES TO ABUSE.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "MY STORY ISN’T AS VALID AS _____'S STORY."
ALL abuse is abuse. ALL survivors are survivors, in my book. Emotional, physical, sexual... the type and/or “severity" of the abuse does not matter. If you feel violated, you feel violated. Only you know how you feel, what you experienced, and what you are comfortable sharing...Please, PLEASE don’t let your measure for that be other people’s experiences. You have every right to share your story; to use your voice. You never have to feel guilty for having a "better" or "worse" situation than someone else. You matter, and so does your story!
"Wow, I almost feel bad for mentioning my story...I was only molested. It's not nearly as bad as being raped."
Or, often times when sharing my story with someone who has not experienced sexual violence, I have heard...
"Your story isn't nearly as bad as some I've heard of...at least you weren't _________."
During my healing process, I, too, felt this way. I thought that my story was invalid, or shouldn't be shared, because hey..."it could've been worse." But, fortunately for me, I acquired a new realization during my healing process some years ago, and I am going to share it here:
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "NOT AS SERIOUS" WHEN IT COMES TO ABUSE.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "MY STORY ISN’T AS VALID AS _____'S STORY."
ALL abuse is abuse. ALL survivors are survivors, in my book. Emotional, physical, sexual... the type and/or “severity" of the abuse does not matter. If you feel violated, you feel violated. Only you know how you feel, what you experienced, and what you are comfortable sharing...Please, PLEASE don’t let your measure for that be other people’s experiences. You have every right to share your story; to use your voice. You never have to feel guilty for having a "better" or "worse" situation than someone else. You matter, and so does your story!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Recovery is NOT a race...
"Hi everyone! My name is Stephanie, I'm from Stockton, and an interesting fact about myself is that I am the founder of the Saving Stephanie organization, which is completely dedicated to increasing awareness of sexual abuse within our communities, and advocating for survivors' and their families."
After we finished the activity, I headed to lunch, where I was approached by a boy in my group...
"Why did you start your organization, if you don't mind me asking?"
This was a question I have been asked more times than I can count, so, I gave the same response I usually do as we walked to get our food. I started by telling him that I was a survivor of sexual abuse, that I had struggled afterwards...but, after I went through the healing process, I realized that I wanted to be instrumental in helping others like myself; other survivors. As I went on and on about the Saving Stephanie organization and my passion for advocacy, the boy just listened quietly. I stopped talking, because I wasn't even sure if he was still listening, and I looked at him...He looked back at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "I've been through the same thing as you. I was sexually assaulted, too. That's why I wanted to ask about your organization. I don't know how you do it..."
I was shocked. I asked him, "How I do what?"
"How you're so strong...why you want to help people...why you aren't bothered by it..."
Again, I was shocked, and I was speechless for a few seconds (which RARELY happens, let me tell ya...). But, I pondered what he had said, and I gave this response:
"I wasn't always strong. After my assault, I was weak. I had 'survived,' sure. But, I was at my lowest point in my life. There were days when I would wish that I never survived my attack; that he would've just killed me. There were days when I was so depressed, so scared, and so ashamed, that I can't even begin to express it in words. But, one day I got up, I looked in the mirror, and I realized...'I am better than this.' So, I stopped fighting everyone, I stopped fighting treatment, and I stopped fighting my feelings. I forced myself to come to terms with every emotion, and I worked through it. It wasn't easy. Actually, it was the most difficult thing I have ever endured in my life. But, I came out stronger. I came out a true survivor...not someone who was just 'living'. I became someone who was empowered by my circumstances; who thrives because of them. I am, and will forever be grateful for my abuse, because I would have still been weak without it. I am a better person because of it. And yeah, there's days that suck. There's day when I have triggers, flashbacks, you name it. But, I get through it. And, you know why I do? Because of people like you. I wake up every morning, and I tell myself, 'Healing is not a race...it's okay if you struggle today, as long as you keep fighting, Stephanie.' I don't fight for me. I fight for you, and for survivors everywhere. And, when I meet people like you, I realize the fight is worth it, and I can't give up."
Needless to say, we both needed tissues after our conversation. And, I have made a new friend, who seemed confident in his decision to begin the healing process (highlight of my orientation).
Before I left orientation, I made sure to meet with him again, and my last words to him were, "Healing is a journey. Take your time." Sometimes it can be discouraging, especially seeing others who seem, "stronger" than you. I remember feeling like I would never, "get better." But, you can't let that mentality take over. You are good enough, and you can keep fighting. No matter how hard it gets, keep fighting.
Trust me...it's worth it.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Teal Ribbon Project
Over the past few months, I have been working diligently with law enforcement agencies throughout San Joaquin County on the Teal Ribbon Project. So far, I have worked with Stockton's Police Department, and Delta College's Police Department on this awareness project. I have tied over 200 teal ribbons (the recognized color for sexual assault awareness), on police vehicles.
The Teal Ribbon Project is an awareness project, that offers a symbol of hope and healing for all of those effected by sexual assault. It is my plan to continue this project with other law enforcement agencies throughout my community, in order to put an end to sexual violence.
To view pictures of the Teal Ribbon Project, search "SavingStephanie" on Facebook!
The Teal Ribbon Project is an awareness project, that offers a symbol of hope and healing for all of those effected by sexual assault. It is my plan to continue this project with other law enforcement agencies throughout my community, in order to put an end to sexual violence.
To view pictures of the Teal Ribbon Project, search "SavingStephanie" on Facebook!
"Pacific, Unite, Take Back the Night!"
This past April (Sexual Assault Awareness Month), I was asked to be the keynote speaker at University of the Pacific's Take Back the Night event. After participating in this incredible event in 2011, I was beyond excited to share my message once again; a message of hope and healing for all survivors of sexual abuse.
I arrived at University of the Pacific's campus, where I was greeted by numerous friends, family members, and Pacific students, staff, and alumni. After hearing from the Women's Resource Center's Director, Corrie, I was asked to speak about my experience as a survivor of sexual assault, my healing process, and the Saving Stephanie organization. Being able to share my experience was emotional, especially as I looked up to see so many people supporting me, and other survivors of sexual assault. There are truly no words to express how grateful I am for those who attended the Take Back the Night event, and for those who walked along side of me during the march/rally around the school's campus!
The work the Women's Resource Center does at University of the Pacific is truly remarkable, and I am so thankful for their support of the Saving Stephanie organization. Search them on Facebook, and like their page-"University of the Pacific Women's Resource Center".
I arrived at University of the Pacific's campus, where I was greeted by numerous friends, family members, and Pacific students, staff, and alumni. After hearing from the Women's Resource Center's Director, Corrie, I was asked to speak about my experience as a survivor of sexual assault, my healing process, and the Saving Stephanie organization. Being able to share my experience was emotional, especially as I looked up to see so many people supporting me, and other survivors of sexual assault. There are truly no words to express how grateful I am for those who attended the Take Back the Night event, and for those who walked along side of me during the march/rally around the school's campus!
The work the Women's Resource Center does at University of the Pacific is truly remarkable, and I am so thankful for their support of the Saving Stephanie organization. Search them on Facebook, and like their page-"University of the Pacific Women's Resource Center".
Monday, April 23, 2012
Walk a Mile in Her Shoes
On Saturday, April 21, I had the privilege of attending the 5th Annual Walk a Mile in Her Shoes event in Stockton, California. Men literally walked a mile in women’s shoes
to protest rape, sexual assault and gender violence. Last year, more
than 100 men participated in the walk, and this year, there was an even larger turn out! Walk a Mile in Her Shoes
challenged men to walk one mile in a pair of women’s shoes to raise
awareness and funds to support the Women’s Center’s services for sexual
assault victims. The purpose of the march is to raise awareness and to
involve men in ending rape, sexual assault and gender violence.
I also had the privilege of creating my own team to walk in this event, which represented my organization, "Saving Stephanie." I had 10 men walk on my team, along with other friends and members of my family come out to walk along side of us and offer their support. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity I had to be a part of this wonderful event, and am even more grateful that so many men came out to participate!
I also had the privilege of creating my own team to walk in this event, which represented my organization, "Saving Stephanie." I had 10 men walk on my team, along with other friends and members of my family come out to walk along side of us and offer their support. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity I had to be a part of this wonderful event, and am even more grateful that so many men came out to participate!
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| Some members from my "Saving Stephanie" team. |
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| Even University of the Pacific's mascot came out to walk in heels! |
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